Everybody Hurts

Day 70: March Madness is here. Opening Day has arrived. Spring is in the air. This is one of my favorite times of the year. Does it feel the same this year? Spring time hasn’t changed. But I have. It’s been quite a week. I’ve been saying that for the last 10 weeks. WOW, has it only been 10 weeks? Seems like 10 years. Or 10 minutes. Who knows? I’m starting to forget what it felt like to wake up in 1057. I’m at that age where you forget people’s names you should know. Wendy, Jeff, Reid and ? 1057 is not gone, but my memories are fading. I haven’t lived in 1057 for 10 weeks in a row. My prior streak was probably 3 weeks. This streak is 3 times that and growing. I miss it. Most of the normal things you miss, you have control of. I miss my friends. I miss Paris (for Wendy). I miss steak. I mistake. I think that is called a homonym. I miss Dodger Stadium. Dodgers opened their World Series title defense in Japan on Tuesday and Wednesday. And won both games! Burke and Jen missed the Griddle Cafe. They took control of their miss and Wendy and I met them on Sunday.

“When your day is long. And the night, the night is yours alone. When you're sure you've had enough. Of this life, well hang on. Don't let yourself go. 'Cause everybody cries. Everybody hurts sometimes.”

I miss my parents. I miss Markus. I miss Joe. I miss Sparky. I miss Vin Scully. I miss 1057. What do you do then? What do you do when you really miss something but you have no control over ever experiencing it/them again? You look at pictures. You Big Chill. You go to therapy. You mourn. You cry. You try and forget. You try and not forget. You continue being you, but you have changed. Your permanent miss has changed you. You have evolved whether you like it or not. Everyone misses differently, because we are all different. I want to learn. I want to learn from others about “how” to miss.

#FireTalk: USAA has been great. But I have to share. Apparently, the law states that if you have a 100% complete loss, like we did, your insurance company is required to immediately pay 30% of your Personal Property coverage. So if you have $1,000,000 in coverage, your insurance company must pay you $300,000 immediately. USAA paid 75%. No receipts. No spreadsheets. They just paid it. That was the good part. However, for the other 25% , it’s been painful. Painful in a lot of ways. Initially, they just asked for a spreadsheet. So I went room by room. Master Bedroom: Mattress - $3,000; Sheets and Pillows - $2,500; Mirror above Bed - Priceless. You get it. After I went room by room they changed adjusters to Stuart. Stuart has not been as great as JoAnne. I love JoAnne. Stuart. Not so much. It’s now been over a month of going back and forth on the spreadsheet. And now going back and forth for over a month, Stuart is now asking for the number of pairs of socks I lost. Seriously? Are you fucking kidding me Stu? How many pairs of socks do you have bro? Yeah, I keep a nice sock inventory Stu. (7) dress socks. (10) white socks. (6) low cut exercise socks. (15) spank socks.

After the Griddle Cafe on Sunday, Wendy and I spent the day looking to replace some of the stuff we lost. “Try this couch.” “Try this chair.” “Try these spoons.” I miss my old spoons. I miss my old couch. Room by room I thought fuck you Stu. How many belts do I have? I have a nice thick one to whip your ass with. Whayyy Jeff, you have to buy a new couch. Whayyyyyyyy you need new spoons. Anger is still within. Stu. Karen Bass. My current Landlord. Whayyyy….

It’s one thing to buy new things to replace the old things you miss. But what about things you miss that you cannot replace? That’s when it gets hard. Duh Jeff. Throughout life we often confuse the “what” and the “how.” I learned the difference from Steve Bennett. He was the CEO of Intuit when I joined. In business, people will typically agree on the “what”, but tend to disagree over the “how”. Here’s an example: Everyone in the company agrees that we want to 1) grow revenue 2) increase profitability, and 3) build great products that customers love. Simple. We all agree on those things. That is “what” every employee wants. But “how” to do that is often where conflict happens. Should we hire more people? Should we buy more companies? Should spend $6 million on a Super Bowl commercial? Yes? No? Yes and no?

“Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along. When your day is night alone (hold on, hold on). If you feel like letting go (hold on). If you think you've had too much. Of this life, well hang on.”

Hmmm. Back to missing things. Yes, I miss things. We all miss things. But “how” should we miss. And how can I help others miss? Is there a right way and a wrong way? “How” do I best help people get through their pain? Get through the things they miss most. It’s a lot easier when the loss is controllable. “Wendy, I know you are missing Paris, so let’s plan a trip.” “Burke and Jenn are missing pancakes from The Griddle. Let’s go on Sunday.” But what about when there is no control? What is the “how” then? “Cuzzzzz, I know you are missing Justin, so let’s _____________.” Go ahead, help me fill in blank. Help me fill in the “how” to help my cousin miss Justin. I’ll send your answers to him. I’m being sarcastic because that’s how I deal with shit. There are no easy “hows” with permanent loss. We all struggle with “how” to help. “How” to best help family and friends’ mourn. There is no playbook. But I am learning. I desire to learn. I learned a lot on Friday night.

Ronda and Steve Manders lost their son Jacob in a hiking accident on November 17, 2024. Their daughter Hannah is Julia’s sorority sister. Hannah and Joshua lost their brother. Annie lost her boyfriend. Alanna lost her cousin. The family was in town because Joshua was running the LA Marathon. He was training to run it with Jacob. I decided not to train this year because my running shoes burned down. And I can’t find any socks. Fuck you Stu. Did you know the marathon is 26 miles because in the 1908 Olympics in London they wanted a scenic route? So it went from Windsor Castle to the Stadium (26.2 miles). Joshua looks like a runner. So does Jacob. So does the whole family. I’m feeling husky. They are all coming over to our house for dinner.

I know “of” the Manders, but I don’t really know them. We all met briefly at a Badger event years ago. For tonight, Hannah and Julia planned a Sushi Shabbat dinner. If you don’t know what that is, it’s raw fish eaten on Friday night. Honestly, I was a bit anxious for their arrival. I was definitely overthinking my “hows.” I mean they just lost their son, and we’re the hosts. How do I make them feel at home without it feeling awkward? How do I make them feel like I’m not trying too hard? Should I act like nothing happened to them? Is my anxiousness valid? I mean it’s not every day you host a family that lost a son, brother, boyfriend and cousin. Right?

“Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends. Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand, oh no. Don't throw your hand. If you feel like you're alone. No, no, no, you are not alone.”

They arrived around 4:00pm. The girls weren’t picking up dinner until 6:30pm. That gives me plenty of time to say the wrong thing. Don’t we all worry about saying something stupid to mourners? The doorbell rang and immediately stupid statements began running through my head. “I’m so sorry for your loss.” “How are you feeling?” “How did you get through the last 4 months?” “You look better than I thought you would.” Don’t worry. I was only thinking those things. But, I probably said something stupid.

After pleasantries. Hug. Hug. Kiss. Kiss. Steve (Dad) and Joshua (Brother) immediately greeted me with, “We read your blogs. I can’t believe Anet’s Dad painted the picture of your house. That was incredible.” I knew Ronda read my blogs because she texted me about them. She comments and encourages me to keep writing. I’m inspired by her strength and disposition since the loss of her son. But I didn’t know that Steve and Joshua also read my blog. They caught me by surprise. Before I could finish my awkward hellos, they turned the page on me. They recognized my loss of 1057 before I could recognize their loss of Jacob. A pro move. I immediately ran to the picture Anet’s Dad painted, and I acted out the scene of me unwrapping it and preparing for my fake, “Thank you.” They laughed, and we were well on our way. The ice was broken. They took control. I also immediately recognized they wanted to feel some sense of normalcy. Their new normal. I guess.

The Manders took control. That’s how they roll. I was a passenger in my own car. It’s how I roll. Some nights. This night. They started with a Zoom Shabbat Service where we all joined in the Mourner’s Kaddish. It’s a Jewish prayer where you mourn those that have passed away.

Ronda’s Mom was on the screen. On the Zoom Shabbat. Impressive. I can’t even figure out how to get on Zoom half the time.

Hi Nana Nancy. Move the camera down just a bit. But, I’m still impressed. The Manders took control. Hannah then shared a writing with me that her brother Jacob wrote a couple years ago for his friend that died. Turns out that Hannah’s best friend had also lost her brother (Jacob’s friend). Too much for Hannah. Too much for anyone. Beautifully written:

“All of the lights on Atlantic Ave are synced green-yellow-red, one after another. If we do 33, we can time it juuuuuuust right so we make every single green, all the way from the casinos down to the point. And yet we cruise at 20, rolling with the windows down and the music up. Enjoying the pause that each red light brings, one more moment together under the fading sky. Let’s take our time, there’s no need to rush unset will wait for us.”

— Jacob Manders

“If you're on your own in this life. The days and nights are long. When you think you've had too much. Of this life to hang on.”

It’s now 4:15pm. Dinner is only 2 hours and 15 minutes away. Just kidding. Reading this seems way heavier than the night actually was. The thing is, it was easy. The “hows” became natural. Unconscious “hows.” Conversations flowed. The Manders took control. Unfortunately, they understand grief. Way too much to comprehend. They also know what they want. They know what’s important. They know who’s important. No time for drama. No time for meaninglessness. They don’t have a playbook, but they are figuring it out. They are teaching. I am learning.

Ronda shared some things that really stuck with me. First, she said, “I’m ready for people to start acting normal.” She doesn’t want to be the one people look at while shopping. She doesn’t want to be shopped for. She’s over chocolate covered pretzel deliveries. When people act normal, she feels more normal. When other people act normal, it helps. I listened. I learned. Ronda shared that the Badger Mom’s sent her a lemon tree as a mourner’s gift. It was delivered. It was planted. She didn’t have to say yes or no. I learned. And it’s something Ronda looks at everyday. As a reminder. It helps spark her daily connection to Jacob. Good job Badger Mom’s. Nailed it. I’m hoping we nailed it tonight by injecting some moments of normalcy. A normal night is the “how” the Manders’ wanted. I think. I hope we delivered. I’m learning.

Again at dinner The Manders took control. Their weekly ritual is to go around the table and recount their week. “The best part.” “The worst part.” And what they are “looking forward to.” Everyone expressed some of the same versions. The best part was that we were all together. Tonight was developing into a special night. A memorable night in Jacob’s honor. In 1057’s honor. Most said their worst part of the week was that Jacob was not here with us. And everyone was looking forward to Joshua’s marathon on Sunday. My best part of the week was that I shot an 81. My worst was I hit a ball in the water on 17. And I was looking forward to Opening Day. I took control. Not really. I didn’t say any of those things. I decided to bite my tongue and hide my shallowness. However, I did think a lot about the worst part of the Manders’ week was that Jacob was not there. Unfortunately, he will never be there. I wondered, “Why should that become the worst part of every week?” That’s valid. However, maybe they should consider changing “The Worst” to “The Biggest Challenge.” The Biggest Challenge feels better. It defines an obstacle, while also defining progress. What’s the biggest challenge you overcame this week? “That Jacob was not here with us. But we made progress.” I can see The Manders’ progress. I felt their progress. The Manders take control.

“Well, everybody hurts sometimes. Everybody cries. Everybody hurts, sometimes. And everybody hurts sometimes. So hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on. Everybody hurts.”

Jacob’s writing inspired me to dive into my creative side (don’t judge). I decided to write a poem about our special night. My night of learning.

Hello Manders. Welcome to Hermosa. I’m not sure exactly what to say. Would you like a mimosa?

I also have tequila, beer, wine and gin? Take your shoes off. Get comfy. And come on in.

Was that a proper greeting? Do you even drink? If not, no worries. There’s filtered water in the sink.

A Mourner’s Kaddish together. Melody fills the room. I was impressed by Nana Nancy. She knows how to use Zoom?

Joshua is running the marathon. You’re all fit and skinny. Please pass me another hand roll, and more edamame.

We sit around the table and talk about the week. It’s a lot to digest, but it’s normalcy we seek.

Hello Jacob. I know we never met. Annie is fantastic, and I’m grateful Alanna made the trek.

Hannah is a rock. Your parents seem ok. There was a place at our table where your presence seemed to lay.

I heard the laughs and saw the tears. Jacob know it will be fine. Because everybody hurts. Everybody hurts sometimes…