I Won't Back Down

Day 36: My whole life I’d ask people, “How you doing?” and they’d ask me the same question back. Never thought twice about it. It was just another way to say hello. An easy way to start a conversation. Now, post fire, I feel that I have to consciously think before I answer. I’m probably over thinking it. I feel your concern when you check in. I’d be doing the exact same thing to you. I’d want to text, call, or carrier pigeon you. Just to check in and let you know I’m thinking about you. To show I really care about you. Please just understand there will be a much longer pause before I answer, “How you doing?” I’m not telling you to stop asking. It’s ok to ask. All fellow fire victims unite. And pause. “How you doing?” is not as simple these days.

“Well, I won't back down. No I won't back down. You could stand me up at the gates of Hell. But I won't back down.”

Like I’ve mentioned before, writing this blog is therapy for me and your feedback helps fuel my therapy. Thank you. Some of the feedback is people like hearing about what Wendy and I (and other victims) are going through. It helps update them. It helps them somehow relate. What are we going through? Well, ladies and gentleman welcome to this week’s version of “Fire Talk.”

I understand that everyone is different, but here’s what we are dealing with. Crank up the violins. It’s a string quartet of shit. Initially, it was just trying to find a place to live. The rental market went crazy as demand outpaced supply. Econ 101. I got a C. Many of us were scrambling. Searching. Begging for a place to live. Then came the “insurance realities.” What coverage do I have? What does it mean? When will they pay? What line items will they pay now vs. later? Should I hire a private adjuster or try and handle this myself? Dealing with my insurance company, USAA, has been fluid. Overall, they have been great, but it’s not so cut and dry. It’s fluid. For example, I learned that USAA won’t just wire you money for your Dwelling line item. That’s the main category to rebuild your house. Since most of us have a mortgage, the check is written to you and your lender. The lender technically owns a piece of your burnt house. The check gets deposited into an escrow account. The lender also hires a 3rd party to control the escrow account and any disbursements. I’m hearing that some accounts earn interest (ours is 2%) and some don’t. I’m totally lost on how and when any disbursements out of the escrow account will be made. It probably depends on when and if we decide to rebuild. If we decide to use the escrow money to buy a replacement home, then we will probably have to use the escrow money to pay off our mortgage. No cake and eat it too. Just burnt candles. Many of us are all still trying to figure all of this out. “Should I rebuild or should I go now?” It’s Day 36. That decision can wait.

Then there is Personal Property. This is the line item that covers my underwear and other personal property that was lost. My nickname in my extended family is Skids. I’ll spare you. But this line item is very important to repurchase the essentials. USAA has already paid us 75% of this line item with no receipts. Yep, no receipts because we lost it all. That has been very helpful for me to buy new underwear. Go USAA. I’m not sure all insurance companies act this way. For the other 25%, I am required to submit a spreadsheet of all of my underwear and other personal property. Wendy and I are still in the process of putting our list together. It’s not all unicorns and rainbows going room by room and thinking about what we lost and estimating the costs. Key Learning: It’s not a bad idea to take a video inventory of your home. That seemed unnecessary until now.

“No I'll stand my ground. Won't be turned around. And I'll keep this world from draggin' me down. Gonna stand my ground. And I won't back down. Hey baby. There ain't no easy way out (I won't back down). Hey I will stand my ground. And I won't back down.”

This week has been debris removal chaos week. Turns out that when your home burns down, you are responsible for removing the debris. Makes sense. However, what I didn’t know is: 1) The debris is toxic. 2) You can choose between the Army Core and a Private Contractor. 3) How much does my insurance policy really cover? 4) How much will it actually cost to remove the debris. 5) I have to get permits? Am I potentially fucked if I don’t have the right permits? For example, you can’t just clear your debris and dump it in the nearest Walmart dumpster. You need permits to clear it, dump it, and make sure your land is ready for construction.

A shout out to Ken Ehrlich. Ken is a victim, a friend, and an environmental attorney. He knows his shit. Ken is helping our community make the right decisions. If anyone reading this needs help, contact me. I’m not going to jump on the “Mayor Bass is Ass” train, however, she, and our community leaders, have not made the debris removal process easy on anyone. I’m now considering buying a ticket for the Ass Train. I’m in line. Waiting patiently for things to change. There has been plenty of disinformation floating around that has forced Ken to take on a leadership rule. The issues are confusing and conflicting information doesn’t help. Ken to the rescue.

Here’s a new game called “Find the Peleton.” Where’s Waldo?

And another game called “Amazon. No You Didn’t.”

Yes you did Amazon. Really? Oh. Maybe it’s the broom and dust pan I ordered? Or our new vacuum cleaner. Or possibly the 2nd gift from Rob and Andrea Alexander. My first gift from them burned down.

“The Famous Ralph Lauren Polo Robe Worn by a 60 Year Old Super Model”

Sorry if this is too much insurance, lender, and debris removal chatter. But I wanted to provide some insights, and like Ken, I want to help others. If you haven’t donated already, my blog is raising money to help those recover from the wildfires. #BlogAid. Thank you!

Super Bowl Sunday happened. That felt familiar. Kinda. The Manders’ are Eagles’ fans. Hank and Rachael who are close friends; lost their home; are living in a rental near us; and recently also had to put their dog down (talk about copying the Broudy’s) Jeez (not Yeez). They are also Eagles’ fans. And since I already had $600 on the Eagles, I REALLY became an Eagles fan. Winning has not felt familiar in awhile. But #grateful for the victory. Congrats to all Eagles’ fans.

I left the game with a couple of takeaways. I like that Kendrick Lamar doesn’t go by one name like “Kendrick.” I feel the one name thing is an egomaniac flex. It happens mostly in music. Madonna. Sting. Prince. Bono. Eminem. Adele. Drake. Skids. Is it because they don’t like their given name? Marketing? Can’t spell? All of the above? Oprah. Anyway, Kendrick seemed very well rehearsed, and if I was that generation, I probably would have really enjoyed his performance. But the thing I liked most was his quote afterwards. When asked about his musical journey that led him to the Super Bowl. Kendrick said:

“It was all about being present. As long as I was present in the studio and present in whatever a line or mistake was, rapping or doing hooks or choruses, I was present in that moment, and I felt that passion. Being present and not foreseeing anything kept me in that state of mind.”

- Kendrick Lamar

He even looks present. Impressive. I’m impresent with Kendrick.

One of my favorite blog outcomes is they have inspired my Cousin Steve to also use writing as a form of therapy. He is dealing with the loss of Justin (his son). I wanted to share his thoughts that are coincidentally aligned with Kendrick’s.

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(from Cousin Steve) “Jeff has been capturing and sharing his feelings around loss. For me, the most important thing while grieving is to try to remain in the present as much as possible. The now is the only thing that really matters. When you’re in the present, the stages of grief are powerless. You can’t bargain to go back in time for one more conversation. Denial? How can you refute that you are where you are in the moment? Anger also falls to the wayside quickly.”

(…also from Cousin Steve) “The Super Bowl wasn’t really triggering, in fact I got a bit of an ironic laugh. Mahomes has been my keeper fantasy league QB for years, and probably will for the next decade. I’ve also kept Kelce. So by default this has made me a Chiefs fan of sorts. Justin HATED Mahomes. I’d give him shit for being such a hater. But sports has its villains, and Mahomes was J’s. So when he threw that pick six, to a 22 year old kid, I felt like if Justin was somehow watching he would get a good giggle. Of course, the game just got “better” from there for him.”

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Way to go Justin! Slapping the curse on the Chiefs, and winning me a cool $600. Both Kendrick and Cousin Steve preaching the power of being present and staying in the moment. It’s a great lesson for all of us.

(Pic) Justin and Cousin Steve at a game in Boulder. Just 2 porn stars enjoying some football.

“Well, I know what's right. I got just one life. In a world that keeps on pushin' me around. But I'll stand my ground. And I won't back down.”

We had dinner with Julie, Bill and Haley Holbrow this week. Julie is going to be interviewed on an upcoming podcast regarding the fires. More Fire Talk. Julie is a big deal in the entrepreneurial community. At dinner she asked, “What has been your most defining learning since the fires?” Hmmm. For me, it definitely relates to Kendrick and Cousin Steve’s observations about staying present. But I’ll also add that we control “how” we choose to stay present and specifically “what” we decide to focus on. Every day, we live. We get to choose “how” we want to live. It’s our choice. We control our day, our hours, our minutes. Where your focus goes, your energy flows. That’s been my learning. That’s been my mantra. It’s all about our daily choices. Everyone has them, no matter what situation you are in. You get to decide. No on else. Nobody gets to control your decisions. You may think at times they do, but they don’t. Positive focus leads to positive energy. Focus on what you love. Focus on what inspires you.

Another blog feedback theme has been the humor (sometimes dark) approach to my loss. Using humor in communicating loss often equates to positivity. I’m not all positive all the time, however, laughing does help. The other thing that helps is 60 years of experience. I’ve lost friends. I’ve lost relatives. I’ve lost parents. I’ve lost underwear. It’s never easy. But unfortunately (or fortunately) loss becomes more familiar with time and you learn through your experiences. The ultimate receipt for a loving life is grief. I’ll accept the receipts, put them in The Folder, and move on. You should too.

I was born in 1964. I’m the last year of the Baby Boomers. “Boom” your house burned down. I’m old enough to lose track of what all the generational titles really mean. I know Baby Boomers is because all of my friend’s parents were having a lot of sex. Then comes Gen X and Millennials. Who are these people? They have an identity crisis. “Welcome to the stage, The Who.” Gen Z are my kid’s generation. So I think (or I should) understand them. They never lived without social media. They lived through COVID, MeToo, Kanye (Fuck you Kanye), and their house burning down. Good luck. Calling all Baby Boomers to the rescue. Or did the Baby Boomers cause all this? It’s generational pity and sorrow. My parents used to tell me the same story. “You are missing out on the good old days.” “I feel sorry for your generation.” “A Big Mac costs what?”

I grew up on 7729 Ampere Avenue in North Hollywood, California. I think the city was named because it was north of Hollywood. City identity crisis. We actually lived in “Way North of Hollywood”. We had call waiting and emergency breakthroughs. I lived at that address for 17 years before I left for UCLA. Then after college I lived at (4) other addresses before moving to 1057 Chautauqua. So Chautauqua was my 6th address in 60 years and I lived their for 26 years before having to move out to my 7th address in Hermosa Beach. Today, I live 29 miles from 7729 Ampere Avenue and it is the farthest I have ever lived from my first address. I Waze’d it. For most our lives, Baby Boomers would have to Thomas Guide it. Waze is waze easier.

I think (6) addresses in 60 years officially makes me a home body. I like familiarity. I like routines. I loved where I lived and thought I had found a home for life. There’s a difference between “house” and “home” right? Dorothy didn’t say, “There’s no place like house.” An “Open House” feels different than a “Home Tour.” Home Room is different than Algebra 2. That makes no sense, but Home Room was one of my favorite classes. Algebra 2, not so much. House is a thing. House is temporary. House is a party. Home is family. Home is memories. Home is an emotional connection.

Many people that have visited us over the last month have said, “I really like your house.” I never say this, but my first thought has been, “Dude, it’s not our house.” But with time, I’m accepting the comment to mean, “Yeah. It’s a nice house, but it’s not our home.”

“Hey baby. There ain't no easy way out (I won't back down). Hey I will stand my ground (I won't back down). And I won't back down (I won't back down)

No I won't back down.”