I'll Be There For You

June 12: I’m 60. I had lunch with my Father - In- Law, Ron, this week. He’s 80 something. So he has 25 years on me. And I have 30+ years on my kids. The year gap equals the experience gap. My experience over my kids. My Father - In - Law’s experience over me. As we get older, the “experience gap” gets smaller, even though the actual year gap stays the same. We have less impact (experience) on others as they age. They experience more, and your experiences slow down and repeat. Duh. At lunch, I asked my Father - In - Law, “How did you know when you first needed hearing aids?” He said, “What?” On the other hand, my cousin Laura introduced me to a young woman who was exploring a career move and she just wanted to talk. Our conversation ranged from my experience as an early entrepreneur, and how mindset impacts how you deal with career changes. She was going through a similar journey as I did over 25+ years ago. I’m not minimizing the impact of my hearing aid conversation with my Father - In -Law. I did learn that Costco is a good starting place when exploring hearing aid options. However, I think my career path conversation was more impactful. She was younger. She had less experience. Wendy and my kids may disagree. “What?”

“So no one told you life was gonna be this way. Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA. It's like you're always stuck in second gear, when it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year, but...”

My sister and I would joke to my Dad that he was “The Lecturer.” When he delivered advice, it often sounded like he was teaching a class. He taught, “How To Negotiate With Anyone.” “How To Train Your Dog.” And one of my favorite classes, “How To Manage The Dodgers.” He meant well. But sometimes his “how” was not well received. The “how” he delivered advice. If you interview my kids, they may have the same feedback for me. The apple doesn’t fall far. It’s much easier to blog advice than to give it live. My Dad didn’t have the luxury of a Substack account like I do. Last week, I was blogging (giving advice) about relationships. A friend (20 years younger) wrote me, “That was a good one. Hit home as I am working through a tumultuous and painful relationship.” See kids, Dad’s blog advice delivered. Sometimes “The Lecture” hits home. At least for one reader. But in all seriousness, it’s meaningful to help somebody. Anybody.

“I'll be there for you... When the rain starts to pour I'll be there for you...
Like I've been there before. I'll be there for you...'Cause you're there for me too.”

I have strong points of view. I know at times I can sound convincing and be totally wrong. It’s a gift. One of my kids picked up this trait. I’m not saying which one. I had a coworker, years ago, that was great at it. He was such a great communicator that everything he said sounded profound. People just automatically believed what he said was right because of the way he said it. Except, if you really listened to the words, sometimes he was flat out wrong. It was so frustrating. But since he communicated with such conviction, people believed him. If you sound smart, you become smart. If you sound right, you are right. Wrong. Don’t believe everything you hear. Don’t believe everything you read. Don’t believe what I just wrote. Well, believe that last part, but maybe not everything I write. Like I said, I try to write with conviction, but my conviction is not right for everyone. I know I can be wrong. Whatever. But I write what I believe. I write from my experiences. Listen up young readers. I have experience. For you elders, reader beware.

Who’s more convincing? People you know or people you don’t know? We believe, more often than not, what we read, hear on the news, or on a podcast. However, we often question our friends and family. The people we are closest to. Their lecturing just gets old. Enough. “Ok Dad.” But maybe it’s the other way around? “Don’t believe everything you read.” “Trust the people you love most.” “Consider the source.” I enjoy the mentor role. I enjoy the Dad role. I enjoy the loving and helping Husband role. I hope they trust me. I try. But who do I trust most? Logically, besides my immediate family, it is my friend group. But my friends are different. Not all friends are created equal. I try and consider the source. My friends tend to fall into these categories:

Top Shelf: The people I enjoy the most. These are the people I choose to spend most of my free time with. They are so awesome and they feel the same way about me. I ask for their opinions. I trust their opinions. I feel comfortable to be open with them. They hold me accountable as a friend and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize our friendship. Their opinions matter most to me.

The Classics: I enjoyed amazing memories with these friends during different stages in my life. We don’t see each as often as we used to. But when we do, the hits keep coming. They were most likely Top Shelf at some point in my life, so I still value their opinions. I really enjoy seeing them, and I make an effort to keep them in my life. They could be classified as Top Shelf, but we just don’t interact as much as we used to. Quick Classic shout out to Randy Doctor and his fiance Kyle who recently got engaged. Looks like they loved their engagement gift. I don’t even know what it is. However, it looks like it shouldn’t be used in the restaurant. An instant Classic.

Money Mates: Could be co-workers. Could be business partners. Could be my accountant. It’s people that affect me financially. Sometimes it’s hard to separate friendship from the money part (or work part). However, money or career may be impacting our relationship in some way, shape or form. I sometimes have to digest how their opinions are being influenced by our financial relationship.

Friends of Friends: These are the friends of my Top Shelf, Classics, and/or Money Mates. It’s their friends. However, I usually really enjoy seeing them. They enjoy seeing me. Friends of Friends sometimes evolve into another friend group. But, typically I see them most when my friend invites us both to an event. I sometimes feel like I know Friends of Friends better than I actually do. I just haven’t been with them all that much compared to my other friend groups. We don’t share the history I’ve developed with my Top Shelf and Classics.

Explorers: There is something about these people that I just want to know better. I’m exploring where these relationships can go. I never have too many Explorers at once. They are worth my time investment. Who knows where the relationship will go.

We Shoulds: “We should make plans.” But for some reason, we rarely do. Neither side makes it a priority to make the effort. Don’t get me wrong, they aren’t bad people and we are friends. Just not close friends. We see them at parties. We run into them at the market. We should. We could. But we don’t. Until we randomly meet again. The We Shoulds for some reason rarely turn into Explorers.

Dramas: The most difficult friend group. A lot of times, these are people that at one point may have been Top Shelf, Classics, or Money Mates. But over time the relationship changes. Not just because of time or location challenges. It’s because I choose not to make plans because of the “drama” they bring to the relationship. My Top Shelf is just easier and more fun. Our friendship has fallen out of favor because of their drama. I now have to decide if I want to address it or just let them evolve into a We Should.

“You're still in bed at ten, though work begins at eight. You burned your breakfast, so far things are going great. Your mother warned you there'd be days like these,
But she didn't tell you when the world was brought down to your knees
that...I'll be there for you...When the rain starts to pour. I'll be there for you...
Like I've been there before. I'll be there for you...'Cause you're there for me too.”

Jeff, “Why are you labeling your friend group? It seems kinda judgy.” Well, Jeff (in my head voice), I just write what I’m thinking. And I was writing about when we get older, opinions aren’t as impactful because we experience more as we age. Then, I was thinking about who I voice my opinions to and who I receive opinions from. It’s all friends, family and work related. But all these people are different. They have evolved over the years. And I was thinking “how” they are different. I just thought it was interesting to think through and label “how” my friends are different. Not all friends fall into just one (or any) of these buckets. But a lot of them do. I wonder if they do for you too? It doesn’t really matter. What matters is that you recognize who you are choosing to spend time with. You recognize who is providing you with their opinions. And you recognize the source? Their source of information. Are they impacting your state in a positive or negative way? Why? Are they becoming too much drama? Is it the “Money Mate?” Should I “Explore” more or turn them into a “We Should”? Is their conviction clouding the label of your friendship? Who they really are (or are becoming) as a friend.

What about family? I wrote last week about my Mom’s point of view on family. If you are family, you get a pass. She was loyal to everyone. No matter what the circumstances were. Not me. I think my Family also falls into these buckets. I’m hoping your spouse and kids are all Top Shelf. I’m lucky that way. I know others where some in their immediate family are not labeled Top Shelf. One of life’s biggest challenges is when Top Shelf becomes Drama. It doesn’t matter if it’s friends or family, it’s a big emotional challenge either way. Don’t become someone else’s Drama. And if you are dealing with some Top Shelf Drama, then you can either invest in the relationship to figure out if the drama can be resolved. Or you can just let your Top Shelf become a We Should and call it day. Because that’s what usually happens in the long goodbye. That, or the short goodbye. The breakup. Or, I can be totally wrong with all of these labels and you are falsely believing what you are reading. Again.

I do love my Classics. I miss my Classics. We all do. Right?

Life’s Essential Questions:

11. What will your epitaph say and why?

Here’s Joe Kaplan’s:

Here’s my Parents. The ones I have yet to visit. Guilt. Traffic.

“No one could ever know me. No one could ever see me. Seems you’re the only one who knows what it's like to be me. Someone to face the day with. Make it through all the mess with. Someone I'll always laugh with. Even at my worst, I'm best with.... you - yeah.”

Devoted. Beloved. Husband. Dad. Brother. Uncle. Friend. They all pretty much say the same thing. One of my favorite Curb episodes was when Larry offered to write the obituary for his wife’s Aunt Louise Hoenin, and to have it published in the paper. The next day there was a problem. Houston! There was a typo in the paper. Louise Hoenin, devoted sister, beloved…

I guess the whole point of the epitaph is “How do we want to be remembered?” How we want to be remembered and how we will actually be remembered, might be different. How many times have you said, “I didn’t mean it that way” or “That’s not what I meant.” I hope I never have to say, “I really don’t want to be remembered that way.” It’s not your choice. Or is it? Your Top Shelf will miss you the most. They will tell stories about you the most. They will keep (or not keep) your legacy alive. You will be remembered by how you made them feel. Yes, we all have control of how we make people feel. A lecturer or a mentor? Easy or difficult? Loving or critical? Top Shelf, Classics, or Drama?

I don’t desire a tombstone. The environmentalist part of me wants to be cremated. If Opus and Sparky can be cremated, why can’t I. When the time comes, my physical being will become Ash. But I’ll be remembered by my Dash.

The Dash

I read of a man who stood to speak at a funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on the tombstone from the beginning…to the end.

He noted that first came the date of birth and spoke of the following date with tears but said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time they spent alive on earth and now only those who loved them know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own, the cars…the house…the cash. What matters is how we lived and loved and how we spend our dash.

So, think about this long and hard; are there things you’d like to change? For you never know how much time is left that still can be rearranged.

To be less quick to anger and show appreciation more and love the people in our lives like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect and more often wear a smile…remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read, with your life’s actions to rehash, would you be proud of the things they say about how you lived your dash?

-Linda Ellis

I'll be there for you...When the rain starts to pour. I'll be there for you...Like I've been there before. I'll be there for you...'Cause you're there for me too...