My Way

Day 77: I just got back from lunch with my estate planning attorney. His name is Ross. He offered to buy lunch. I think he felt bad because my house burned down. I don’t think he knew for sure when we sat down. He has a lot of clients and he probably didn’t check my address before lunch. He acted a little surprised when I told him. Maybe he knew? But he did buy lunch. We ate at Il Moro, a place Wendy and I used to go once in awhile before 1057 burned down. My soup was $18. My salad was $20 and I added chicken for $10. A $50 lunch! WTF?

Why are things so expensive? I am becoming my grandfather and I don’t even have grandkids. When I took my Papa Max to McDonald’s he’d laugh at the menu. I’d say, “Papa why are you laughing.” He’d say, “$3.35 for a Big Mac? I remember when they were $.15.” Then I’d laugh and say, “$.15 for a Big Mac? Let’s order 30.” Then we would get our Big Mac’s and talk about how expensive things are for 30 minutes and I’d drive him home. A $50 lunch? WTF? Who am I? What have I become?

And now, the end is near. And so I face the final curtain. My friend, I'll say it clear
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain. I've lived a life that's full. I traveled each and every highway. And more, much more than this. I did it my way.

The next morning I opened the fridge. Wendy bought eggs. So I went online to see how much eggs are these days. I haven’t done much grocery shopping since the fires. Honestly, I didn’t do much grocery shopping before the fires. Who am I? But I was curious for some reason. Probably because of the $50 lunch yesterday. Also, since the fires I haven’t been paying much attention to the news. No doubt the fires have changed me. Not at my core, but definitely with my routine and other daily habits that I am learning, and forgetting. News is something that I have been forgetting for some reason. I just don’t care as much. It reminds me of what Ronda shared with me. Since the death of Jacob her routines have become more thoughtful. The people she spends time with. The conversations she participates in. Her rituals of life. Her purpose. In a similar way, I am going through the same transformation. My prior focus on daily news events has diminished significantly. I just don’t care as much. Maybe that’s a good thing? But I was curious about the price of eggs. Ends up a bird flu has cut egg supplies and the demand for eggs has increased. I think it’s because of the “All Day Breakfast” trend. I’m a fan. So I checked. Yep. Egg prices are up. All prices are up.

A dozen eggs at Gelson’s is $8.99. Papa would be really mad. He also liked a nice Round Roast (up 51%). This is turning into an inflation blog. I was an Economics major at UCLA and graduated with a 3.17 GPA, so I know my shit. Now I’m getting sucked into the news cycle but I don’t want to be. It’s not important to me. Ok. Let’s see what people are saying about our neighborhood and the fire clean up process. Now this is news that I should care about. What are my neighbors thinking about this week. How are things progressing?

Regrets, I've had a few. But then again, too few to mention. I did what I had to do. And saw it through without exemption. I planned each charted course. Each careful step along the byway. And more, much more than this. I did it my way.

So let me digest this. Since the fires I have become more immune to the news’ cycles. But then I get triggered by a $50 lunch and decide to research egg prices because eggs have not been in our fridge since the fires. I then say to myself, “Just ignore our inflationary times and focus on what’s important Jeff.” I then learn Karen Bass is considering raising property taxes to cover the $1 billion LA deficit. And finally, the same old debris removal shit show is in full swing. Exhale. Anger. Frustration. Realism. Don’t pull out your violins just yet. I’m just venting. Thank you to my blog, for it’s my“how.” I guess writing this stuff out helps me in some way. It helps me process my emotions. My friend Brian Sachs told me I write my emotions much better than I talk about them. Maybe he is right. Or maybe he just doesn’t listen. Just kidding. I know he doesn’t listen. The best speakers are great listeners. The best writers are avid readers. I haven’t picked up a book since the fires. Actually, I think it’s why the book is always better than the movie. With writing you can go deeper to express yourself. We can take more time when writing. We speak to ourselves and then write (or write it out). We can take more time to edit our thoughts. We can delve into layers of our feelings. With talking we scratch the surface. We hesitate. We hold back. Especially, depending on the audience. By the way, for all you Godfather fans, try the audiobook on your next vacation. You can thank me later. It’s really, really, good. “Leave the gun, take the cannoli." How much was a cannoli back then?

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew. When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt. I ate it up and spit it out. I faced it all, and I stood tall. And did it my way.

Back to Il Moro and my $50 lunch. Ross bought lunch. Did I mention that? I asked Ross to lunch because I wanted to pick his brain about an estate planning project I am working on. But I’m also one of his clients. When the check came he immediately said, “I got this one.” I looked at him with some surprise. I invited Ross to lunch. He offered me his time and free advice. He’s good at his job. Estate planning is complicated. It was probably valid for me to pick up the check. But Ross bought lunch. Did I mention that again? “Thank you Ross. So long as you let me get the next one.” I said in complete relief after my $50 order. I left with a new found fondness for Ross. He did me a solid (as they say). I left thinking he was generous with his money and time, smart and passionate about his work, and genuinely excited to help me with my project. That instantly became Ross’ “brand”.

Your “brand” is who you are in they eyes of others. It’s how people think about you and what they say about you when you’re not around. Most of us don’t really think about our brand. We let our brand just evolve over time. It’s what we say. What we write. How we act. How we don’t act. It’s who we become. I learned about my brand the hard way at Intuit. I was the guy in meetings that would make a sarcastic comment and use humor too often. Probably to mask my insecurities. My brand became the “funny guy.” The “not serious enough guy.” I was passed up for promotions time and time again. My brand cost me money without me realizing it. I did my job well. People seemed to like me. But when larger jobs became available, my brand held me back. The bottom line is I didn’t know to change my brand. I didn’t know I needed to change it. And I didn’t recognize all of the around me. I was “brand blind.”

After years, and strong mentors, I finally got the promotion I thought I deserved years prior. I was asked to run another department while also leading the Sales Department. Basically, more responsibility and more employees. That sounded like a promotion. It felt like one. The first thing HR did was have me meet with both teams together (my current team and my new team). It was a Q&A session and it went pretty straight forward. The next thing HR did, was not so straight forward. I left the room and everyone talked about me behind my back. My brand exposed. My brand defined. Even though the new team had not worked directly with me, they knew about me. They heard about me. They had created their own opinions about my brand. HR placed notes all over the walls with their quotes. Anonymously. HR wanted me to really understand my brand before I started my new role. It was a gift and a gut punch at the same time. I went back into the room, by myself, and read them all. There were only about 100. Gut punch. “Jeff could be a bull or a bear.” “I don’t know the Jeff we are going to get each day.” “Jeff doesn’t let us know what he is thinking about.” “Jeff doesn’t pay attention when I speak with him.” STOP. PLEASE. STOP. Or keep going. I want to better understand what people think about me. I want to better understand my brand and make improvements. I am going to actively control my brand moving forward. Constructive criticism is a gift that keeps on giving. “Jeff thinks it’s funny to blame his gas on barking wall spiders.” Whoops. Sorry guys.

I've loved, I've laughed and cried. I've had my fill, my share of losing. And now, as tears subside. I find it all so amusing. To think I did all that. And may I say, not in a shy way. Oh, no, oh, no, not me. I did it my way.

We closed escrow last week on our home in Hermosa Beach. Wendy and I agreed to a move out date in the middle of April to give the Sellers time to pack, and close on their new home. We agreed to the extension before we met the Renfro’s (Sellers). Their extension was part of our offer. Because we gave them time, I’m sure our brand started off strong with them. On the other hand, we have a landlord at our current house. Since we are moving soon, we asked him for an early termination of our current lease. Who knew we’d buy a home so fast when we signed a lease on January 11th, just (4) days after 1057 burned down. We asked him to terminate our lease two months early. Can you please throw a wildfire victim a burnt bone? He said, “No.” Hmmm… So what did we do? We found him a new tenant. Friends of ours to take over our lease. Then I asked, “Since our last month is April, would you mind applying our security deposit to the final month? We Wendy is very clean. We will have the property professional cleaned right after we move.” He said, “No.” Help me describe his brand. Asshole? Heartless? Money 1st? Lacks empathy? I am running out of post it notes.

On the other hand, when we met the Renfro’s, we felt their warmth. They welcomed us into their home. Our next home. Robin then told Wendy and I, “John and I were thinking of how we could help you and decided to leave you our furniture.” What do you think the Renfro’s brand became with us? Giving. Caring. Generous. Thoughtful. Just Amazing People (JAP’s). How can people owning homes less than .5 miles away from each other be so different? Brand awareness. Or lack thereof. We never asked for help from the Renfro’s, but it’s their “brand” to help people. It’s in their DNA. Hopefully their DNA is not with 23 and Me (see bankruptcy filings). I’m hoping Loser Landlord has all his DNA with 23 and Me. Ok. I did read the news this week.

For what is a man, what has he got?. If not himself, then he has naught. To say the things he truly feels. And not the words of one who kneels. The record shows I took the blows. And did it my way.

You know the people that say, “I don’t care what people think”? I don’t buy it. I don’t think it’s smart to think that way. You should care. Why not care? I’m not saying other people’s opinions should “over” influence how you act or what you do. But they should matter. Your family, co-workers and friends, all matter. What they think about you should matter. What they say about you when you aren’t around should matter. Your brand is not what you “think” it “should” be. Or even how you may describe yourself to others. It’s how others view you. It’s how they talk about you. It’s their post - it notes. Shouldn’t we all care about their feedback? Shouldn’t we ask for their feedback more often? Shouldn’t we be more thoughtful about how we impact others. More thoughtful about influencing how people describe us; what they say about us; and how we make them feel? I say yes. It matters.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

— Maya Angelou

I turned 60. My house burned down 62 days after. I have changed forever. I’ve spent time with Cousin Steve after Justin. I’ve spent time with The Manders’ after Jacob. With Luke and Dean after Markus. With Gardner after her Mom. With Brandon after Joe. I’ve learned from all of them. They’ve made me think about my legacy because of who they lost. What they lost. It’s impactful listening to them. Feeling for them. Understanding how much the loved and cared for the ones they can no longer be with. The fires have made me really sit down and think about all of this. What’s important? Am I on track or off? What do I want people to say about me. How do I want to make them feel. What is my brand? Where does it need to go?

Strangers: “Jeff paid attention to me when we met. He was really easy to talk to. There was a warmth about him. He offered to buy me dessert.”

Friends: “Spode is always there for me. We really enjoy each other. It’s just fun to be together. He’s generous. He makes me laugh. And he always buys dessert.”

Nieces and Nephews: “Uncle Jeff/Skids is like my second Dad. He cares about me. I feel I can always go to him for anything. It’s so fun when we are all together. And he always buys dessert.”

Cuzzzzzzz’s, Bro and Sister In Laws: “I consider him my brother. I feel closer to him than some of the people in my family. We have enhanced each other’s lives. And he always buys dessert.”

Jackie and Debbie: “I know I can count on him. We love each other deeply. We miss Mom and Dad. Their memory lives on through us. Through our love for each other. And he always buys dessert.”

Julia and Reid: “My Dad is the best. My friends love him too. We feel lucky. He will do anything for us. But he’s also challenged and taught us to be independent. And he always buys dessert (and something for the table).”

Wendy: “He’s my Lovey. My soulmate. I feel safe with him. He’s the most loyal person I know. He will do anything for me and our family. He loves me. Through the good times and the bad, there is no one else I’d rather be with. He’s given me the best orgasm ever. And he always buys dessert.”

That’s my brand blueprint. I’m not saying I am there yet. There are always things to work on. If I let you down, tell me. I promise to improve. I know if I strive to have people say the things above then I lived right. I created the brand I want. I don’t need a stadium or bridge named after me. I don’t need no highway. If they all say the things above, I know I did it…

Who wants dessert?

Jeff’s blog is going on vacation next week. It will be be back soon. Thanks for reading and thanks for sharing. It means a lot.