Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

June 19: I cleared our debris from 1057. I changed my address on my driver’s license to Myrtle. I canceled my Palisades Post subscription. I hired a new gardener. I hope he has papers. I changed my “home” address in my car navigation. I was going to write “Tesla navigation,” but I don’t want to be judged. I changed my default address in Amazon. I changed my voter registration address. I considered changing my voting party, but I didn’t like any of the options. I understand why so many people choose not to vote. I bought a FastTrak transponder because from Hermosa to Dodger Stadium has a FastTrak lane. 1057 to Dodger Stadium does not. I bought a Hermosa parking pass because you need one to park longer than an hour on the street between May 15th and September 15th. Don’t get me started. That required proof of driver’s license and registration at the new address before they will issue the pass. But what if our house burned down and we haven’t changed it. Nope. They won’t take your car insurance card, property tax statement, deed of trust, pictures of you sleeping at your address. Nada. I changed my business address for my two startups. I changed. I’m changing. It’s a process. For all of us.

“Darling you got to let me know. Should I stay or should I go? If you say that you are mine. I'll be here till the end of time. So you got to let me know. Should I stay or should I go?”

The two questions I get most about the fires are, “Are you moving back?” and “What are you going to do with your property?” The two answers are “I don’t know.” and ‘I don’t know.” It’s ok not to know. I don’t know about a lot of things. I don’t know what’s going to happen with property values. I don’t know how safe the air quality is. I don’t know how long it will take to restore the key neighborhood essentials. Like the Yogurt Shoppe. I don’t know if and when the neighbors on both sides of me will be rebuilding their homes. I don’t know how irritating neighborhood construction traffic will be. Wendy doesn’t love it when huge construction trucks park in front of our house. Or when workers decide to picnic on our lawn and leave their trash. I don’t know if the city will ever get their act together and help coordinate a build back strategy to accelerate the process; and minimize the cost. I don’t know why so many Dodger pitchers get injured. I don’t know why I like spicy mustard. I don’t know why. I just don’t know.

I’ve thought about why I don’t know. It’s usually because I don’t have enough information to know. You know when you know. Why? Because you either consciously or subconsciously have processed all the information you have, and it’s enough to make an informed decision. So you make it. For the decision to purchase Myrtle, Wendy and I know it’s going to take at least 3-5 years (or longer) to build back the Palisades. So that meant that even if we decided to rebuild, we still need a place to live until 2030. For us, that meant a long time going from rental property to rental property when we’ve been home owners for the last 27 years. We had enough information to help us decide to buy Myrtle. So we did. We knew. Right or wrong. We knew we should give it a go. You can’t predict the future. But you can estimate based on the information you have. Our guesstimates were strong enough to pull the decision. I’m not going to say “Pull The Trigger” because that seems like one of those woke sayings that you aren’t allowed to say anymore. Like “Jack and Jill Bathroom.” Or “Master Bedroom.” What? Is it woke to say, “Jack and Jill went up the hill each with $1.25. Jill came down with $2.50.” Thank you Dice. A classic.

“It's always tease tease tease. You're happy when I'm on my knees. One day is fine, and next is black. So if you want me off your back. Well come on and let me know. Should I Stay or should I go?”

Some people have a difficult time making decisions. We all know these people. We’ve all said, “They can’t make a decision if their life depended on it.” That’s a pretty harsh statement. Why are they like that? Why am I sometimes like that? Indecisive. Actually, I’m pretty quick at making decisions. Sometimes too quick. But I see indecision all around me. We all do. “Should I buy these shoes? Should I buy this car? Should I go on this date? Should I buy this house? Should I watch this show? Should I go to this restaurant? Should I go there on vacation? Should I go on a diet? Should I get this checked? Should I have the difficult conversation? Should I ask for a raise? Should I quit my job? AI says adults make on average 35,000 decisions a day. So I guess we are actually pretty good at it. But why does indecision arise and what is really causing it?

Indecision is caused by some level of fear. And fear is complex. Why do we get scared in a movie? It’s not happening to us and it’s not real. But people scream. When I saw Jaws when I was 11, I remember being scared to take a bath. Then I saw Psycho and I didn’t shower. So I didn’t take a bath or shower for a month.

I stunk. Some people sing in the shower, I was screaming in the shower. “Mom, Dad’s Soap on a Rope is choking me. MOM”. Happy Father’s Day to all Dads. My Dad loved a good Soap on a Rope Father’s Day gift. That and an Abba Zabas. He was simple.

I think our fears fall into a handful of buckets. Bucket 1: We fear what others will think. Bucket 2: We fear we will lose money. Bucket 3: We fear rejection. Bucket 4: We fear conflict. Just the way scary movies impact our emotional state, so do the Fear Buckets. I’m trying to think of other Fear Buckets that cause indecision. Fear of being wrong? That could fall into what others think. Fear of failing? That could fall into rejection, losing money and what others think. Fear of flying? Ok. We all fear death. Maybe Fear of dying is Bucket 5. These are my 5 Fear Buckets and I’m sticking with them. Can you think of other Buckets that cause indecision or paralysis?

“Should I stay or should I go now? Should I stay or should I go now? If I go there will be trouble. And if I stay it will be double. So come on and let me know.”

My Dad feared losing money. Whether it was being in the stock market or buying a house. He feared it. Looking back his fear of losing money caused him to be conservative and risk averse. Not necessarily a horrible way to live. But I know he wished he had taken more risk. Especially in real estate. My Mom, on the other hand, feared conflict. She wanted none of it. This enabled people close to her to take advantage of her. She was generous, loving and caring. But her fear of conflict enabled her to just let things go and not address advantage takers. Again, maybe not the worst outcome from a Fear Bucket, but it existed. For me, my top Fear Buckets when I was younger were “conflict” and “what others think.” As I have gotten older and I have less years left, “losing money” has become a stronger fear. Thank you Mom and Dad for passing the Fear Buckets down to me. Miss you tons. I also fear what others will think of me after writing about my Dad’s fears on Father’s Day.

It’s normal to be fearful. But too much fear kills progress. We cannot progress by living in fear. It doesn’t work. It’s not healthy. It’s ok to “care” about the Fear Buckets. For example, I care what other people think. I care about losing money or doing something that may create conflict. Caring gets me to think about my decisions carefully. Appropriately. Honestly. Soulfully. However, if I fear every decision I make will have some terrible outcome, then I can’t make progress. I live in suffering.

How are you 100% sure your decision will be wrong? You don’t. At least not 100% sure. What if you change your perspective? What if you say no matter what decision I make next, I am going to act like it’s the right decision no matter what my Fear Buckets say. I’m not going to fear the consequences of my decision. I am going to embrace my decision as the right one. The car I buy. The people I socialize with. The job I take. The house I buy. The vacation I take. The investment I make. “Yes. It’s the right decision.” I will tell myself. I’m going to do everything in my power to be decisive and determine is the right decision. Who’s to say it’s not? Me? Other people? Those are Fear Buckets I can live without. Why the “F” not?

This indecision's bugging me. Esta indecision me molesta. If you don't want me, set me free. Si no me quieres, librame. Exactly whom I'm supposed to be. Digame quien tengo ser. Don't you know which clothes even fit me? Sabes que ropas me queda? Come on and let me know. Me tienes que decir. Should I cool it or should I blow? Me debo ir o quedarme?

Most of the time the decisive mindset has worked well for me. I make decisions, stay positive, not fear the outcomes, and hope things will work out. Like, “What should I do if my house burns down?” for example. However, what if my decision doesn’t work out? Then what? What’s the worst decision I ever made? I’ve made many bad ones. We all do. But one really stands out. Years ago, I personally guaranteed a corporate credit card and bank loans for a company where I was not the final decision maker. And even if I was, the outcome would have probably been the same. Back then, I didn’t have the information. I didn’t fully understand the ramifications of my decision. I was inexperienced. And after the company went bankrupt, banks and creditors sued me personally. Bad decisions. Lack of information. Inexperience. I feared I would lose my house (money). I feared investors would never talk to me again (conflict/others opinions). I feared I would not be able to find another way to make money (rejection/others opinions). My Fear Buckets were full. They were full of shit. I lived in fear for a while. I still remember that feeling all too well. Being handcuffed. Feeling paralyzed to move forward. Over time, my fear subsided and providing for my family took over. I changed my mindset from fear to live. I asked myself, “What can I do today to improve my situation? What can I do today to make tomorrow better?” One step at a time. And try not to trip over a Fear Bucket. Shout out to my Brother In Law Mark and my In-Laws Gloria and Ron for helping me shovel the shit out of my Fear Buckets. They were lifesavers.

My worst decision helped prepare me for 1057. When you live in fear and eventually get through it, you grow. You are more experienced when feeling emotions next time. Fear is just an emotional state. It’s not real. Or maybe it is real. But for this post, I’m saying it’s not. Or it really doesn’t have to be. With experience, you learn how to move through the fear and into the light. Fear builds emotional muscle. You just can’t work out the same muscle for too long or you will tear something. Like your heart. COVID was a similar fear exercise. Not only for the health and well being of my friends and family. But also for my business. 80% of our clients were dentists. When COVID hit and dental practices shut down, I feared (losing money) that our entire client base would stop paying our fees. I feared a 100% loss. It was actually 3%. I was off by a bit. Why? Because the fear jolted us into action. Live. We took care of our customers; offered deferred payment plans until they were back up and running; launched a new product to help them train their employees on workplace safety; and contracted with a supply provider to help them save money. It worked. We survived. We thrived.

“Should I stay or should I go now? Me entra frio por los ojos. If I go there will be trouble. Si me voy va a haber peligro. And if I stay it will be double. Si me quedo va a ser doble. So you gotta let me know. Should I stay or should I go?

The best decisions are a lot easier. What’s the best I’ve ever made? Marrying Wendy was the best decision I have ever made. That, and not liquidating 100% of my 401k to buy into the Pets.com IPO. I’m celebrating my 30th wedding anniversary next week. How did I know 30 years ago that it would last and it was going to be the best decision I have ever made? I didn’t. Know one knows for sure. But I had enough information to make the decision. That’s what’s most important. I realized I had enough information to know it felt right and why it felt right. I had great role models in my parents and in Wendy’s parents. I saw who my friends married and were dating. My cousins loved her and her cousins tolerated me. It was the biggest decision of my life, but it became the easiest. I had the information. I cared about the decision. I cared what people thought about us as a couple. I cared that I was $10,000 in credit card debt and she was taught never to carry a balance. I cared about a potential rejection at our engagement. Not really. But I didn’t fear any of it. You can’t fear the future. It’s not here yet. Care. Don’t fear.

I don’t know? Or do I. My indecision is a direct correlation to the emotional level of my Fear Buckets and the amount of information I have (or don’t have) to make the decision. Indecision = Fear + Information. If I have a ton of information (often increased with experience), then my fear subsides and I am able to press forward and make decisions. My prior bankruptcy fears helped me deal with COVID. Bankruptcy and COVID fears have helped me deal with 1057. What’s next? I don’t know. No one can predict the future. But I do know my plan is to spend less of my time on Fear Buckets and more of my time on my Bucket List.

I choose to Go. I think…